almost a really good morning…and anorexia strikes again (but I will not let it ruin the day)

Woke up earlyish, listened to The Writer’s Almanac for today while cuddling in bed. Went to Clear Creek Trail and ran a few chilly miles. Came back all excited for breakfast and hun. gry. Started cooking with David: scrambled eggs with ricotta, hash browns, and a bit of bacon. I worked on eggs and he did the rest. And then disaster struck: he was cooking the bacon in the same small pan as the hash browns and some bacon grease oozed over and started touching/swallowing up/frying my hashbrowns and I freaked out like a stupid kid and ended up sobbing in my closet with stuffed animals.

Ugh. But we fixed it and now I am having distinctly separated eggs, hash browns, bacon, and an apple and some OJ. (God, I am hungry.) Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to using the separated plates I used during the early parts of recovery — I still have them! — but they are also made for little kids, so. 

Next up: a hopefully relaxing shower, gay-church-day (today is like…open and affirming Sunday? or something?), a tiny bit of shopping, and then HOMEWORK and cleaning and that sort of stuff.


inspiration/eating disorder recovery support here :)


inspiration/eating disorder recovery support here :)

(Source: saramlyons, via freeingeileen)

Hey, just throwing this out there

1. My wedding is rapidly approaching which involves many many complex and sometimes painful emotions, a number of which center around the whole everyone-will-look-at-me thing and the I-need-to-buy-yet-more-dresses thing and the general appearance/body focus
2. October is the month in which, three years ago now (!) I had a very very intense scrape-with-death type health-scared related to my eating disorder which then plunged me into an overwhelming treatment program which ultimately saved my life and
3. My supervisor, who is Queen Foot-In-Mouth, made a comment last week that was literally (regarding a client of mine) “well, his last therapist was attractive, so…” therefore 
4. I am extremely, extremely triggered and feel on the brink of a lapse/relapse and I really, really need a lot lot lot of positive encouragement and recovery-themed support and just for the record I
5. Am in therapy, but my therapist (whom I’ve seen three times) may not be able to see me for a literal month so I am considering switching to ensure I have more/better care (thoughts?) and I have also informed David of how tough things are, ordered a body-image book thing that looks quite good, and today pampered myself with a present (a stuffed animal whale) but still I
6. Would really, really love a lot of messages/support/etc. Whaddaya say?


When recovery is not all yoga mats
and tea and avocados, it is work.

It is listening to your body rather
than pretending not to hear her.

It is waking up so hungry, you are
nauseous, but swallowing breakfast

anyways. It is taking an hour to eat a
snack. It is your stomach throwing a

tantrum and telling the acidic voice
in your head she has the wrong address.

Trying to ignore the caloric calculator in my head is like trying to ignore television subtitles.

Every time you asked if I was full, I heard you say fat, and I’m trying, trying so hard not to do that.

This is teaching my body how to forgive.

This is teaching my brain how to apologize."

EAT, by Blythe Baird (via blythebrooklyn)

(via strength-to-recover)

finally decided to just get pizza

famous famiglias is OUT OF CHEESE PIZZA

walked away in tears because the lady was mean about it too

"We obviously don’t have cheese" (pointing at counter)
excuse me I was too busy trying not to have a panic attack from looking at large amounts of food


3 notes

ok so ordering/receiving the pizza was AWFUL and nervewracking and I cried but now I’m happy. whew.

1 note

I ordered a pizza by myself AND for myself! (Really, really hard for me in terms of ED stuff.) Now I am going to give Pip a little walk and then make a salad and settle down to enjoy dinner (salad + pizza) and Harry Potter. I didn’t get any work done today, but I will tomorrow! I was way sleepy and I did travel all freaking morning, get info about reserving hotel blocks at a local hotel for the wedding, get groceries, have lunch, take care of Pip, Skype with Peter, and watch one and a half episodes of Doctor Who. Oh, and I did laundry.

Making grownup-y decisions, deleting the diet-y type app I had been using and replacing with Recovery Record. Planning to finally finish Intuitive Eating. Thinking about ordering a recovery journal  or possibly this book.

I think I am in the “preventing relapse” stage of recovery.

and i hate my body so much i can hardly stand to breathe

Reading from the textbook while making spaghetti with marinara sauce, fake chickn, & peas for lunch. Absentmindedly pondering making breakfast for David tomorrow (toast, fried eggs, bacon, etc.) and chicken schnitzel for lunch or dinner tomorrow. Very cooking-minded lately. Mmm…