Today is the fourth anniversary of my father’s death, and I actually did not think of that. I actually was not aware of that. I actually forgot that, even though I know February 20 2010 like it was written inside my eyelids, I didn’t make that connection? And I have a full day, lots of work, lots of socializing, ahead of me. I can’t really handle how many emotions I have now that I have realized all of this so I am pretending they don’t exist. I am lighting a candle even though I usually light it at sundown the night before. But I do not know. I do not know what I am supposed to feel and how I am supposed to cope with that I forgot? I forgot?
Who am I that I forgot? Is that a good thing, Daddy? Are you glad? Is that a bad thing, should I have remembered?
I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I don’t know how to today.