missing Daddy superdupercrazyhard.
24 years old. Queer. New York. BA in Gender Studies. Counseling student. Germanophile, writer, reader (see my books here), feminist, runner, writer, lover, Nerdfighter. More about me :) In recovery from an eating disorder & PTSD, living with depression. Trigger warnings always apply, please take gentle care. What's up, babycakes?
The world is a terrible (and wonderful!) place. Last night, the aunt of one of my best friends passed away from a fast-moving and cruel cancer. This best friend of mine battled cancer herself, last year. Her uncle (on the same side) passed away of cancer about a month before my dad passed (also, of course, of cancer).
I’m getting real tired of your shit, cancer.
Today is the fourth anniversary of my father’s death, and I actually did not think of that. I actually was not aware of that. I actually forgot that, even though I know February 20 2010 like it was written inside my eyelids, I didn’t make that connection? And I have a full day, lots of work, lots of socializing, ahead of me. I can’t really handle how many emotions I have now that I have realized all of this so I am pretending they don’t exist. I am lighting a candle even though I usually light it at sundown the night before. But I do not know. I do not know what I am supposed to feel and how I am supposed to cope with that I forgot? I forgot?
Who am I that I forgot? Is that a good thing, Daddy? Are you glad? Is that a bad thing, should I have remembered?
I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I don’t know how to today.
"I miss you more than I can bear, but we had our time together, and I have to let go. I have to let you go."
Dom Cobb in Inception.
was a success (? I guess?). I engaged in lots of self-care. in addition to the planned self-care (btw the new pajamas are SNAIL PAJAMAS), I had my favorite kind of cookie (thank you David) and also got a new water bottle and little stuffed animal (thanks to a victoria’s secret deal) and made a collage of Daddy photos that I really like and did a bit of crafting. lots of family and friends posted nice things on a note I put on Facebook. my bestie was fantastic.
downside, not many people reached out to me and that kind of hurt for some (stupid) reason. I guess I’m at the point where to others I should be more “over it” or something…but no. I sobbed epically on my bed but that was probably a good thing (TM) and David rocked me and brought me stuffed animals.
I was surprised we were able to find the wind in the willows (the version I like and have on VHS), but we found it free on YouTube 0— click here for my ultimate self-care movie.
I skyped with my mom which was nice. the weather was lovely and I had a nice walk.
but oh gosh. I miss you, Daddy.
Oh damn I miss my daddy. Just out of nowhere thought about how he used to reach around behind him to toss out a bit of trash in the car trash bin, and after he did, he would find my foot or leg and tickle me or give me a little squeeze or a pat. Oh daddy oh wow do I miss you. :(
Since their father had passed away, the bride’s brother prepared a special moment for his sister’s father-daughter dance.
This will be happening at my wedding, with my dad’s brothers and best friend, probably to ‘Father & Daughter’ by Paul Simon.