Today is the fourth anniversary of my father’s death, and I actually did not think of that. I actually was not aware of that. I actually forgot that, even though I know February 20 2010 like it was written inside my eyelids, I didn’t make that connection? And I have a full day, lots of work, lots of socializing, ahead of me. I can’t really handle how many emotions I have now that I have realized all of this so I am pretending they don’t exist. I am lighting a candle even though I usually light it at sundown the night before. But I do not know. I do not know what I am supposed to feel and how I am supposed to cope with that I forgot? I forgot?

Who am I that I forgot? Is that a good thing, Daddy? Are you glad? Is that a bad thing, should I have remembered?

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I don’t know how to today.

Love you forever Daddy. #fall #grief

Love you forever Daddy. #fall #grief

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give my daddy

BACK

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today

was a success (? I guess?). I engaged in lots of self-care. in addition to the planned self-care (btw the new pajamas are SNAIL PAJAMAS), I had my favorite kind of cookie (thank you David) and also got a new water bottle and little stuffed animal (thanks to a victoria’s secret deal) and made a collage of Daddy photos that I really like and did a bit of crafting. lots of family and friends posted nice things on a note I put on Facebook. my bestie was fantastic. 

downside, not many people reached out to me and that kind of hurt for some (stupid) reason. I guess I’m at the point where to others I should be more “over it” or something…but no. I sobbed epically on my bed but that was probably a good thing (TM) and David rocked me and brought me stuffed animals.

I was surprised we were able to find the wind in the willows (the version I like and have on VHS), but we found it free on YouTube 0— click here for my ultimate self-care movie.

I skyped with my mom which was nice. the weather was lovely and I had a nice walk.

but oh gosh. I miss you, Daddy.

Oh damn I miss my daddy. Just out of nowhere thought about how he used to reach around behind him to toss out a bit of trash in the car trash bin, and after he did, he would find my foot or leg and tickle me or give me a little squeeze or a pat. Oh daddy oh wow do I miss you. :(

signatureceremonies:

Since their father had passed away, the bride’s brother prepared a special moment for his sister’s father-daughter dance.

This will be happening at my wedding, with my dad’s brothers and best friend, probably to ‘Father & Daughter’ by Paul Simon.

ohdaddyimissyou.

today: well that started poorly, ha. church was fine. now: clean room. work on croissants with Mom. possibly start using sewing machine. read and/or watch Skins/Heidi while snuggled in chair. bathe Pip. eat a lot for dinner. eat chocolate ice cream. bed early.
p.s. hey laura today is the third anniversary of the day you got the call that Daddy was dying and had to throw shit in a backpack and go straight to the airport to fly home. it’s okay if it’s kind of shitty. february is almost over. hang in there.

today: well that started poorly, ha. church was fine. now: clean room. work on croissants with Mom. possibly start using sewing machine. read and/or watch Skins/Heidi while snuggled in chair. bathe Pip. eat a lot for dinner. eat chocolate ice cream. bed early.

p.s. hey laura today is the third anniversary of the day you got the call that Daddy was dying and had to throw shit in a backpack and go straight to the airport to fly home. it’s okay if it’s kind of shitty. february is almost over. hang in there.

(Source: loyal-2me, via caffeinatedfeminist)

Hello February. I admit that I’ve been dreading you. Here’s what is coming up:
* my RAINN supervision (finally) and then starting to work on the online hotline* Tiff’s birthday* Ruth’s first birthday as a cancer survivor* Valentine’s Day* beginning of Lent* ONE BILLION RISING.* my Mom’s birthday* crafting for Valentine’s Day, Mom’s birthday, and Anaïs’ 5th birthday* 3rd anniversary of Daddy’s death.
Things I hope to accomplish: make progress on the piano. write several poems at least. start doing yoga again. 

Hello February. I admit that I’ve been dreading you. Here’s what is coming up:

* my RAINN supervision (finally) and then starting to work on the online hotline
* Tiff’s birthday
* Ruth’s first birthday as a cancer survivor
* Valentine’s Day
* beginning of Lent
* ONE BILLION RISING.
* my Mom’s birthday
* crafting for Valentine’s Day, Mom’s birthday, and Anaïs’ 5th birthday
* 3rd anniversary of Daddy’s death.

Things I hope to accomplish: make progress on the piano. write several poems at least. start doing yoga again. 

(Source: , via beinglaura)

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