The worst part about spending 10 days with Mom and driving together with her to Columbus OH and then to my new apartment

is that then she has to leave

and I have to be alone.

today: up too early. breakfast and whatevering. shower. take Pip on long walk. make bed & gather stuff. 4-hour drive meh. late lunch. stroll around cute Adirondack town. evening: see Matt in performance of Richard II. grab dessert with him afterwards. 4-hour drive home MEH. bed.

today: up too early. breakfast and whatevering. shower. take Pip on long walk. make bed & gather stuff. 4-hour drive meh. late lunch. stroll around cute Adirondack town. evening: see Matt in performance of Richard II. grab dessert with him afterwards. 4-hour drive home MEH. bed.

(Source: paperwerk)

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My mom is really making an effort to show how much she loves me in ways she hasn’t always in the past and I’m just so grateful?

Like, she bought specific groceries (a frozen pizza, Orangina, OJ, my favorite cheesy wotsits) before I got here, and set up a table in a mock-up of our ideas for the wedding table. The other day I made fun of myself to her about watching Adventure Time, because it’s silly and because I expected her to make fun of me and it’s easier if I start it, but she just said, “You’re on vacation! It’s like your beach reading,” and then asked to know more about it.

Just now we were chatting with a neighbor and he asked what my agenda was for the day, and she said, “Relaxing! She works so hard at school, and she only gets 2 weeks off,” and then told him details about my graduate work.

;_; Thanks Mommy!

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remash:

sea ranch path ~ julia sabot photographer

remash:

sea ranch path ~ julia sabot photographer

I am working on a poem to ask my mother to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, and this pops up.
…wow, Microsoft Word. I don’t know what to say…I didn’t know you could be so…cruel. ;_;

I am working on a poem to ask my mother to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, and this pops up.

…wow, Microsoft Word. I don’t know what to say…I didn’t know you could be so…cruel. ;_;

I am nervous about

leaving Pip, how my mom will be without me, traveling, my work meeting Friday for which I am not really prepared, packing my things, I just

I hate traveling, I hate transitions. I really need to stop coming home for long stretches like this (three weeks), it’s so emotionally painful and difficult to leave again and I just

can’t stop crying and I wish we were in Indiana already

Taking down the Christmas tree

Is so unbelievably painful. I know you’re rolling your eyes at this stupid spoiled white suburban brat whining about missing Christmas, and that’s fine. Scroll on, or whatever. I know I’m lucky in so many ways.

But I think about: what I wish I had with my mom. I think about: how I wish Daddy were still alive. I think about: how fucking hard some of the holiday was due to family tensions and such. I think about: how someday, likely next year, I’ll have to spend Christmas away from my mother and how that scares me because she is a widow and needs therapy and my brother is a dolt and how will they get through it? How will I manage the guilt of not being there? I think about how happy these little things, the ornaments, make me. I think about how each one has a memory with it, of curling up with my brother to watch Star Wars or camping on the North Rim of the Grand Canyon with my whole family (back when we were a Whole family), of seven-year-old curling up at a family friend’s house for Christmas and then she gives me this box and I open it and it’s two little girl ornaments, and just as I think the pink-dress-one looks like me, we all realize that she’s shattered on the bottom and I start to cry.

There’s just a lot wrapped up in Christmas and so much that I love and all of which is so emotional and painful, either because it’s painfully sweet and going away, or because it is truly painful. And do I write a letter to my mother? She’s so good at shrugging or laughing off my feelings and making me feel ridiculous or stupid and I don’t know what I’d even say, I love you, I wish I could share more of my feelings with you? And no matter how I tried to explain why I can’t or how it hurts, she’d be defensive because that’s her way.

I can’t stop crying and I feel ridiculous. And I just need to take these ornaments off this cheap dead tree and wrestle it to the curb. 

I am not stupid, or silly, or pathetic, no matter how much my mom makes me sound that way when she talks about me.  

This is me building myself up. I am beautiful and smart and my ideas have value.

I am not stupid, or silly, or pathetic, no matter how much my mom makes me sound that way when she talks about me.

This is me building myself up. I am beautiful and smart and my ideas have value.

18 notes