Art Blakey and The Jazz Messengers, Moanin’
24 years old. Queer. New York. BA in Gender Studies. Counseling student. Germanophile, writer, reader (see my books here), feminist, runner, writer, lover, Nerdfighter. More about me :) In recovery from an eating disorder & PTSD, living with depression. Trigger warnings always apply, please take gentle care. What's up, babycakes?
"So hard to find my way, now that I’m all on my own"
Van Morrison, Brown Eyed Girl
So Daddy used to sing Brown Eyed Girl to me and we would dance to it together and I was driving home today, I think I was in Martinsville, feeling pretty good because I loved staffing this morning and it was a good day at my site and I’m a good driver and was only 30 minutes from home on a Friday night and I turned on the radio and BAM. That specific line was the first thing I heard and then I got to experience tearing up while driving and being like EYES, NO, I HAVE TO SEE.
Daddy I miss you so fucking much and I want you here.
2 Corinthians 4:18
A while ago I found an index card my dad had stuck in his Bible with a bunch of verses written down. Lord knows what they meant; maybe he was studying some concept or maybe they were favorites or ones he struggled with. Well, I’ve looked through a bunch and this one stuck out. It reminds me of my favorite (Shakespeare) sonnet, which was the partner to his favorite. His favorite is 73 and mine is 74. 74 discusses how the body decays but that the spirit of a person remains with that person’s loved ones — that the unseen (spirit) is eternal but the seen (body) goes away.
Today is the fourth anniversary of my father’s death, and I actually did not think of that. I actually was not aware of that. I actually forgot that, even though I know February 20 2010 like it was written inside my eyelids, I didn’t make that connection? And I have a full day, lots of work, lots of socializing, ahead of me. I can’t really handle how many emotions I have now that I have realized all of this so I am pretending they don’t exist. I am lighting a candle even though I usually light it at sundown the night before. But I do not know. I do not know what I am supposed to feel and how I am supposed to cope with that I forgot? I forgot?
Who am I that I forgot? Is that a good thing, Daddy? Are you glad? Is that a bad thing, should I have remembered?
I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I don’t know how to today.
In The Princess Bride, Inigo’s quest for his father’s killer is one of the most successful subplots in film history. Watching his performance, it’s such an emotional scene. I was looking up little known facts about the movie and found out that the reason this scene is so moving is because just after Mandy Patinkin took this role, his father died of cancer. In this fight he imagined that this was his chance to beat cancer, to come to terms with his father’s death by getting revenge on cancer (The Six-Fingered Man). Pretty sure I’ve cried whenever I see that scene ever since.
OMG I’m Gunna cry
no my heart stop.
omfg. I am crying in the library.
AS IF THIS MOVIE WASN’T ALREADY A FAVORITE, now I will be thinking the same thing about MY Daddy and HIS cancer and augh augh augh augh.
it’s so fucking true, you guys. it’s so fucking true.
I want my father back, you son of a bitch.
Sitting here working on my Valentine for David, with my iTunes on shuffle, and what comes on?
Oh, Wouldn’t It Be Loverly? from My Fair Lady, which Daddy and I used to sing together all the time when I was a little kid. (He had a great booming baritone before he got sick.)
Yes, Daddy, chocolate & tea & reading with you would be the most loverly thing I could imagine. I miss you so much.
I reblog this in honor of my parents, who had a thirty-year marriage and two children after meeting…in library school.
I am working on a poem to ask my mother to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, and this pops up.
…wow, Microsoft Word. I don’t know what to say…I didn’t know you could be so…cruel. ;_;
"I miss you more than I can bear, but we had our time together, and I have to let go. I have to let you go."
Dom Cobb in Inception.