23 years old. Queer. New York. BA in Gender Studies. Germanophile, writer, reader (see my books here), feminist, runner, writer, lover, nerd. More about me :) In recovery from an eating disorder; living with PTSD. Trigger warnings always apply, please take gentle care. What's up, babycakes?
doctors, health, and me: a rambly post
Today I went to my university’s health center to get medicine for a lingering UTI. I hate going to the doctor, but I hate urinary tract infections more, so like a big girl, I called and made an appointment this morning, the first day the health center was open for fall term.
After shuttling back and forth between a clinic window and the lab area, I had my first real form to fill out. It was short and to-the-point, but surprisingly emotionally intense. On the form I was asked if a parent had ever been diagnosed with cancer (check!), if I have or have had an eating disorder (check!), and if I’ve ever been physically or sexually harmed (check!). So that was quite a lot of things to place on one small, cute, checkboxy sheet of paper. Nervewracking to go hand it in to the friendly student receptionist, too.
Then the nurse who weighed me accidentally failed to conceal my weight from me, and I’m a bit upset about my current weight. Trying to convince the upset-part of my brain that a) it is in fact a totally healthy weight for me, not “too fat” at all, actually a bit under what my doctors think I “should” weigh, and b) I always weigh a bit more when I’m on my period because of water retention, etc.
So that’s another thing to dodge.
Finally I see a nurse practitioner, who is (like all the staff here) really lovely and kind. We discussed my UTI and I got a few prescriptions…and then she gently asked about my eating disorder. I confessed that I’ve had a rocky summer and was planning on seeing a health center counselor. She talked about this with me and I ended up signing a piece of paper that will allow my doctor, Dr.S, whom I saw in January about my EDNOS, to communicate directly with a therapist at the counseling center. (AKA, it waives some specific aspects of my right to confidentiality.) The nurse practitioner encouraged me, as well, to make a checkup with Dr.S to make sure I don’t need to worry about any other EDNOS related health problems.
Whew. So tomorrow I am going into the counseling center to really start doing this whole EDNOS recovery thing. I’m terrified, nervous, and overwhelmed.
As if that wasn’t enough, I’ve decided that I need to (finally) have my first pelvic exam and pap test. My goal is to have it before the start of November. I’m so terrified and unsure. I’m afraid I might do something like dissociate or having a flashback during the exam. I’m afraid it will hurt. I’m afraid I will cry. I don’t know if I want to bring a friend or not (it’s allowed). I know the name of a nurse practitioner here who specializes in care for survivors (she is a SANE nurse as well as an ob-gyn nurse) and is apparently really excellent. I know I can specifically request her and that the health center knows/will know from the forms that I am a survivor and that it will be my first pelvic/pap test and I am sure they’ll be compassionate and gentle and careful. I’m just so scared.
Sorry for rambling, tumblr, and thanks for listening. Any advice on therapy (which I’ve done tons of but hate and suck at!) or first-time pelvic exams (especially as survivors) is more than welcome in my ask box. <3 xx
today: woke early. coming up: PetCo for a fish (!!!), Health Center appointment (FINALLY), buy tea, visit the post office.