sad feelings. sad classical music playing. having my period is probably not helping.
i feel old, and already done. fizzled out. i know that’s not true, I’m only 24 for christ’s sake! i love too many people. i miss peter and i miss being 19 and so much more sure of things than i am now.
i want to go back, but i want to go forward too. i’m not sure if i really want to be a therapist, but heaven knows how to get what i want. i’m behind on my coursework. i just want a month off, except i do terribly with too much free time.
i feel so sad. i want to be in Amsterdam with Jenny admiring the blossoms on that white-flowered bush near the hostel. i want to be in Manhattan with Peter paddling around in a little green boat. i want to be reading the young wizards books, alone, on a towel out front of my dormitory.
i just don’t want this oldness and loneliness in this stupid state so far from everything. i’m just scared for what’s coming and if it’s right or if it will be okay.
i envy other people’s simpler-seeming lives. i envy only ever having one love.